Labradoris

Someone Like Me by Royksopp

Someone like me
With someone like you
How unlikely
Too good to be true

Someone like me
With someone like you
How unlikey
Too Good to be true

Something's be trying to hold me down
And leave me no hope on the battleground
I'm knocking on doors, "Come on", let me in
Desperatly craving the feminine
Then you came to me
Genuinely
How could I get lucky like this
What have I done

This type of thing's just a fantasy
The story is laid out so wretchedly
Like out of a film or a magazine
Appeal to the classical masculine
But gradually
It's dawning on me
This isn't like in a dream
This is for real

Being yourself
What does that mean
Seeing yourself is the hardest thing

Someone like me
With someone like you
How unlikely
Too good to be true

Timing your movements so accurately
Hearing you breathing so musically
Unity strengthening rapidly
Knowing you'll always come back to me
You're never to close
Or far away
Perfect somewhere inbetween
Vintage machine

Seeing it's already time to leave
I got to go out, I need space to breathe
Go before everything's caving in
Understand that, oh my heroine
But someone like you
So hard to believe
Sure this is not just a dream
Wake up and see

Being yourself is a lonely thing
If you never pick it up and just let it ring

Someone like me
(It's what i've always dreamed of)
With someone like you
(More than satisfactory)
How unlikely
(It's real you're here beside me)
Too good to be true
Come on, let's share this moment

“i like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. this is the night, what it does to you. i had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.” – jack kerouac

I saw this quote on another person's blog entry, and it very much spoke to me right now.

I'm not sure why, but I feel like my life is just completely out of control right now.  Nothing is wrong per se, but it feels wrong.  And it's unlike the feeling of good stress - that feeling where you are justatinybitaboveyourthreshold for work, but not overly so.  I enjoy that feeling.  I like having just a little, teensy, itty bitty too much work to do.  The kind that will keep you up just an extra 10 minutes, just 10 more minutes until you are done.  That kind.

This kind, though, feels overwhelming and completely dissatisfying.  I love all the pieces of what I'm doing, but each piece right now does not feel okay together.  I'm no longer living in the present moment, and it makes me sad.  While I'm waiting on a winery customer, my thoughts dash to the night's motorcycle course that I can't be late for.  When I'm on the motorcycle waiting my turn for an exercise, my thoughts are on the class I'm teaching for the next day.  While I'm in class and trying to gather my thoughts on a particular topic, I'm not thinking about anything else except the class, but I'm distracted if that makes sense.  My mind is not necessarily on anything else, but I'm not 100% focused. 

I'm not sure if it is the level of committment required of each piece, or the time, or the responsibility of each piece, but I'm starting to feel very overwhelmed and strung-out. 

Poor Joel and LG, too.  Little Guy has felt the snap of my voice, the strain in my face.  Joel is a saint and delivers nothing but patience and understanding.  But they, too, are pieces of my life and they aren't going very well with the rest of the pieces (hello, work/family balance). 

I cried as I was driving from one location to the other yesterday, in my rush to switch which piece I was paying attention to.  I'm not talking soft sniffles, I'm talking loud, racking sobs.  I wasn't really upset at anything - although I gave myself reason to be upset at certain things - almost as if I'm giving myself an excuse of what to get mad at, just so I can get mad.

It doesn't make sense to me, either.

But, the motorcycle course only lasts until Friday evening.  I will have time this weekend to work on prepping my class for the next few weeks.  My class, too, is only four weeks long.  My poor, neglected dissertation is almost ready to be pulled across the finish line.  And there's some decisions, too, that I'm desperately trying to sort out in my head.  And I know that it doesn't sound like a lot - and maybe that's the thing - there's not a LOT that I'm doing, but each piece requires a LOT of time from me.  And I think the absence of free time (just 30 minutes!  just 30 minutes!  somewhere!  where is it?) is making me high-strung and horrible to be around.  I so desperately need, crave, desire, HAVETOHAVE my downtime.  I'm a high-performance individual, but I have to have time to myself every day.  I don't think I really realized it before.  It's always been there, and I've always done it, but now that I'm craving it, I'm thinking it may be exactly what's bothering me.

I'm looking forward to just being able to breathe calmly and start being more collected.  I can really feel my stress taking a toll on my body, and that's completely unhealthy and unaccepatble.  Where is this calm, yogafied person I once was?  Where has she gone?

Hopefully I'll be back with a better blog entry next week.  This weekend I'm aiming with some quality time with the dogs.  And Joel and LG.  They deserve it from me.

mad
angry at herself
hurt.  on the inside.
so desperately wanting to please
with no idea how to do it.
good moods, happy, dashed in a second
with a girl that's quick to anger
she's lost her yoga self.
no longer flexible in body or mind,
but mostly mind.
so quick to overheat, so quick to misunderstand.
this girl has lost her mind's flexibility. and it hurts.  it hurts.
this isn't who I am,
she says,
but the crowd turns their back to watch
the next incoming act
the act that's so much flashier and prettier, and calm and elemental.
they turn their back on the girl that is sitting
in the mud
trying to figure out
how it all went wrong.

the tears flow down, but they just step over her
careful to avoid her
not wanting to ask what's wrong
to find out that it's not the situation.
it's not what made her angry.
she's lost her oars to her
coconut canoe
the canoe that is supposed to guide her
show her, carry her, work with her.
her oars are lost and she is directionless.
come over to the shore, they say.  
she tries to paddle with her hands but she doesn't get very far
and the sun feels so hot on her face.
on her very hot face.
she weeps in the middle of the coconut canoe,
and when she sits back up,
she discovers she's no longer there
she's sitting in the mud
while everyone else
rushes
to the jobs they are supposed to be doing
but her legs are covered in mud
and she can't find
her coconut canoe.

You guys, what have I done?

I went and opened my big mouth, is what I did.

So, I'm not sure I've really posted all that much about this, but since April I have been working at a local winery.  I love it - it's so much fun and even menial tasks (like stocking shelves) are calming for me.  It's also so peaceful out at the winery, too, and I love my coworkers and my boss (the vintner). 

Anyway, I recently found out that, well you all know this - that I won't be graduating until December - but there isn't a good opportunity for me at the University as far as teaching.  So, even though I will defend this summer, I won't exactly have any further commitments after summer school ends (I'm teaching a 4-week class that is about to begin soon) though I won't be completely done with the University until December.  So, I'm free to go (counting on a successful defense, that is).

This all occurred rather abruptly, and I know what you are thinking:  why was I not anticipating this feeling months ago?  And to tell you the truth, I was a little, but it's so hard to see past the dissertation when it's staring you in the face - it's kind of like when a character in a movie confronts a scary animal/monster in a tunnel - you know that they can't turn back around because then their quest will end, and you know that the animal won't kill them (although it might cause damage or injury) because then the movie would end.  You know that the person will get through, but it's something that's in the background for you - you are concentrating RIGHT NOW on the animal/monster that the character has confronted.  It's kind of like that.  I knew that one day I'd be done with the dissertation, but when I came upon it in the tunnel (heavy with a backpack full of books on how to slay the monster!), it was hard to do anything but look it in the face and confront it.  Now that it is almost done, I can see light at the end of the metaphorical tunnel.  And it still really IS a surprise to me - here it is, almost July 1, and I need to find a job because I'm in the process of disentangling myself from the University.

Okay....tangent over...ANYWAY, I work at this winery, and I'm teaching a summer class, and one of the main employees at this winery that is in charge of wholesale sales left yesterday to run another winery (in another country!).  So, I volunteered to pick up her slack while the winery searched for a replacement.  I'm getting the opportunity to learn client management software, professional invoicing, etc. so it's a great learning opportunity.  The thing is, I need to be looking for a career, you know, that light at the end of the tunnel?  But the economy is tight right now, and I do mean tight.

So, I'm focusing on restructuring my resume over the next 2 days, applying for jobs, preparing my syllabus, teaching in 2 weeks, going to a conference, and working more than part time at the winery!  My schedule is so packed and I do wonder how I'm going to balance it all successfully.  I think I'm planning on taking it one day at a time, and using my precious morning hours to pack in as much work as I can before I leave for the winery in the afternoon.  Evenings will hopefully be just as productive, although I usually am very tired at the end of a winery day, especially if we've been very busy in the tasting room.  Yesterday was busy, though, and I still managed to work a little in the evening.  So hopefully that's a good sign.

It's all in flux right now and while SOME ambiguity in life is okay, I'm craving a more consistent steady life plan right now.  I've stayed tucked away in academia for the past 5 years (with the exception of moving from Masters location to the PhD program), and now it's time to confront the real world.

This long, meandering entry is mainly meant to say, hey, there's a lot going on right now, and I appreciate everyone's support.  I'll be happy when I know what I'm doing.  'Cause right now, all I can feel are those tunnel walls and a half-dead creature beside me. 

I'm currently working hard in the Big Easy - holed up in my hotel room with the occasional break for a networking session or a walk down and around Bourbon street - but I'll try and satisfy any Lab appetite you have with a few older pictures of Cosette that I have tucked away on my laptop:

Joel defends his dissertation today at 11 a.m.  I'm so very proud of him!  Today marks the end (well, until graduation at least) of five tumultuous years for him in graduate school. 

Once the dissertation is defended (successfully, but they rarely go awry), Joel will make final changes that his committee requests, and submit the document to the graduate school.  So, he will have a little more work ahead of him after today, but nothing he can't handle! 

As far as myself and my progress, I'm working on a few edits to my completed draft.  My expectations are that I will defend sometime this summer and graduate in December.

But, expectations are for people that only have themselves to rely on.  My expectations were crushed this year, time and time again.  Last August had you asked me what my intentions were, my intentions were to prospect my dissertation in November and defend in April so that I could graduate in May.  Obviously, that didn't happen and believe me when I say it wasn't due to procrastination on my end.  I prospected on Monday, May 10, 2010 and my hope was to graduate in August.  I wanted an August graduation for so many reasons.  Three days after I had prospected, my dissertation was already approved by the Human Subjects Committee (to determine if you are causing harm to participants) and four days after prospecting, my survey was online and ready to go.  That weekend I spent sending out e-mails to participants.  I spent an arduous fourteen days collecting data. It was not easy.  My expected response rate was slashed in half, and my expected response rate (10%) was meager to begin with.  So I had to work SO HARD to gain participants.  Within 14 days of starting data collection, I collected the necessary working participant responses (approximately 300).  Over Memorial Day weekend, I sat down and wrote the entirety of my results and discussion section and finished edits to my literature review that my committee requested.  Writing the entire back half of the draft in under 30 hours is an accomplishment. 

A week later, I received the bad news that my expectations about finishing in time for an August graduation did not match my committee chair's expectations.  And that's all I'll say about that. 

But the news was crushing, upsetting, threw me for a loop, and absolutely ruined my hope for walking in August.  I received this news on the first day of vacation in Hawaii, on the day of my friend's wedding.  I was mentally miserable to say the least.  I had turned down a trip to Europe to see my family, whom I only get to see once or twice a year (and we're a tight-knit family) because my expectations were that my hard work and diligent efforts would pay off in the end.  If I had known that working my ass off so hard for so long would not yield the results I was expecting, I would have (1) not rushed myself, (2) gone to Europe to see my family, (3) spent significantly less time stressing about data collection and writing, and (4) proceeded at a more leisurely pace. 

I'm still sickened about it.  The unfairness of it all, and there's several angles to the unfairness, really turns my stomach and leaves me with a feeling of distrust and disappointment.  I know I was asking a lot of someone else, but I ask a lot of myself and I expect other people to match my own expectations.  And therein lies my fatal flaw that I've been dealing with since I was much younger. 

But, I will be there to cheer on Joel as he graduates with his PhD (also was expected to be conferred in May, so his was pushed back as well) and walk hand in hand with my Dr. Boyfriend afterward. 

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepiatone loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing it's always better when we're together

MMM it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at them stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together
-Jack Johnson, "Better Together"

summer heat
tender kiss
breeze in our hair
wine glasses
that gaze
laughter and quietness
artichoke dip & greasy fingers
energetic dogs
open road
very much not comfortably numb

Yesterday it rained in the afternoon, so I decided to bring the dogs outside to enjoy the slightly cooler temperatures with a good game of fetch.  After nearly an hour of retrieving, Trooper decided he was hot and done.  He walked over to a puddle in the yard and laid down and splashed around in it.  He couldn't be convinced to get up and play fetch anymore.  That's when I decided to grab the camera.  So, may I present:  Splish Splash!

I was trying to keep my voice down, because I wanted to keep going through the mechanics of the disagreement.  I wanted to stand there and make it exuberantly dramatic.  But I didn't, because there was someone in the aisle with us.  A young college girl, picking up school supplies for the summer semester.  She kept stealing glances our way, trying to figure out if we were actually having an argument, or if I was just being silly.

The truth is, Joel loves to catch me unaware as I debate over a decision that some might roll their eyes at.  You see, I haven't learned to be imperfect yet, but he's teaching me to roll with the punches.  He's teaching me to just shrug and not take myself so seriously. 

Because in MY world, it has to be perfect.  It has to go according to plan.  And when it doesn't, a tremor of anxiety runs through me and I become irritable and/or visibly upset.  I used to get upset - and he may argue that I still do - when he points these things out to me. 

I could bring up the example of how we each determined how we should be going though Paris' Louvre.  How I fumed and pouted until he gave me the map, and allowed me to lead.  How we walked every square foot of the Louvre that day.  It's one of our more famous examples of how we both like to control situations - but I'm much more set on it than he is.

I can deal with things that are unplanned or unexpected, but if it is *I* who has a plan in mind, and that plan does not go, well, as planned...it brings a raincloud right on over my head.

The longer I date Joel, of course, the less and less this becomes an issue.  Sometimes I have my bad days, sure.  But I'm becoming better at it (at least I'd like to think so).  I'm rolling with the punches more. 

So when he caught me yesterday afternoon, having a white girl dilemma about what kind of cash box I should buy for an upcoming garage sale - should I go with the $10 box with no room for bills on the top drawer? or should I go with the $17.99 box with the roomy dividers on top and space below for assorted items like checks - when he caught me doing it, I was embarrassed because he was totally right.  And I knew he was.  I'm only going to use this cash box once.  Just get the cheap one.  But I still felt like I had to prove my point, so I made it a little more dramatic than it really was, just to pretend I hadn't learned my lesson and changed my mind.

You might be surprised to learn I'm not an only child - I'm the eldest of two girls.  Sometimes I don't act like the older sister, and I totally know it. 

In the end, I picked up the $10 cash box.  But I held my ground on the price labels.  Doesn't everyone know that the best way to label garage sale items is with masking tape?  DUH.  ;)

I explained my multiple reasons for my masking tape decision, right there in the aisle.  And then it was his turn to pretend I was being silly (even though I was picking up the cheaper item!  on my own!), and our voices carried through the next few aisles, I'm sure, as we continued to poke and prod at each other's mental sweet spots.  We know each other well.  We walked out hand in hand from the store, cash box and masking tape in hand.